I have not known myself. I come to conclusions and then deliver them as truths. The issue is not the conclusions, but calling such things "truths". Heaven has voiced serious complaints against me because of this.
One of these conclusions I've recently jumped to is "walking by faith". I've been convincing myself to look past all of the years of violence and pain and abuse that has happened to me, and telling myself that I didn't need to be afraid and angry and sad because I can instead be "faithful". I even remember asking myself, "how am I being myself if I look past these things and 'walk by faith'".
I'm not talking about the simple act of trusting God, but rather the act of ignoring who and what I am.
I first noticed that there was an issue when I made the decision to "walk by faith and forget the history of Kelvin", and multiple spacecrafts began flying overhead with noticeably dim lights. I knew the consistently dim lights meant something, but I didn't know what.
Then came the quick flashes. I mentioned some time ago that those quick flashes are distractions - and that appears to be true in part - but it is now evident that those are also rebukes. This didn't really become clear until a few nights ago when a spacecraft flew overhead and flashed and flickered its lights in a way I hadn't seen before. Then I wondered if it was a rebuke, and a spacecraft flew overhead very fast in confirmation.
But what really sprang me into action was last night when a peach-colored spacecraft flew overhead. Nothing felt good about seeing that - but it forced me to ground myself and get to the bottom of the issues I was having. Based on the responses I had received over the last few days, I understood that I was having an emotional issue, an honesty issue, and a humanity issue. But seeing that peach-colored spacecraft forced me to think deeply about these things until I began to understand what was wrong. These things were on my mind when I fell asleep last night, and those same things were on my mind the second I awoke this morning. And I'm so thankful that such measures were taken.
We are all human. We are all right here in this same world all together. The tragedies of this world are because of the insistence of God's rejection. We are all birthed from sad and angry mothers, have sad and angry friends, and have sad and angry people who rule themselves over us. They are sad and angry because they live in a world that is the physical embodiment of "GOD'S REJECTION", though they may never see it this way.
The only thing that separates me from you is that I am under Grace and you are not. I don't say this to be bold or boastful, but it is true, and it might help with whatever understanding one can gather from hearing a stranger talk about seeing a peach-colored UFO.
A world that is rejected by God produces a people who are broken and sad and filled with pain. Being under Grace does not change this fact; being under Grace has no affect nor impact on our humanity. I don't even know who I am without the remembrance of this pain, the attachment of this pain. I am not free from it, and the only reason I am not free from it is because God has not delivered me from it. And I cannot free myself, at least not that I have ever known. But when God does deliver me, who will I be? I suppose a human male walking naked in a Garden, surrounded by loving gazes and gentle deeds.
I can attest to the fact that being under Grace does sprout up periods of joy. I may be sad and frustrated at times, embarrassed and uncomfortable at times, but I am no longer broken and destroyed. I am given the time and space and liberty to understand God and the Garden of God. I have no desire to drink myself into oblivion or take copious amounts of drugs to hide from this reality. Though alone, I am healed, I am always being healed, I am blessed, and I am being blessed - even my softening flesh sings the Glory of the Living God.
Being under Grace does not change our nature, but what I have found is that it gives me a reason to always be a decent human being, in spite of where I come from. I am to understand my discomforts, understand my sadness and my frustrations, understand why I am the way I am - why I feel the way I feel in that moment, step back and be a decent human being, doing justice.
God's faithfulness has taught me that God is unquestionably and unwaveringly God. Salvation comes by way of God's faithfulness. And my experience has taught me that I only need to do justice and wait for God. But even in this, I do not always do good; I do not always see myself.
I only ever need to be myself - to know myself, to accept myself, and to be myself - and then be a decent human being in spite of the pain, the embarrassment, the sadness, the terror, this discomfort, the frustration, and the anger. I am a human being and I am allowed to be a human being.
I am thankful to heaven for confirming tonight and for lifting my spirits by shining a light as bright as Venus and flying across the sky, not dimming for a second.
