You struggle to lean on what you know is true because the truth condemns you. So you tell your awful destructive lies because you are so deeply afraid and alone. Help from God is a wish and a dream. Your unaltered behaviors are your evidence that God is not with you.
Just to be clear, forcing and convincing yourself to be who you are not is not indicative of behavioral changes. All it'll take is for some extreme situation to bring "you" back to the surface. Your actions are only indicative that you judge and condemn yourself.
