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I was raised Christian (Pentecostal). One Sunday, when I was about 15 years old (in the year 1994 or 1995), I was in church with my mother, ...

Monday, December 5, 2022

Tweets - December 5th - Is this the Garden of God

I received a peculiar response from heaven tonight.

I purchased and moved into my condo back in 2017. I'm pretty sure the HVAC system that came with the place also came with the condo when it was first built (back in 1978).

The system was never strong enough to cool my home in the summer or heat it in the winter - so it would run non-stop, never getting to the degree I set it at - even when the emergency heat was running.

This had a HORRIBLE effect on my electric bill - but my brother lived with me and helped offset the cost. In 2020 (in March I believe), I went ahead and got a new HVAC system installed.

Since my bedroom faces the rising sun, it's comfortably cool in the summer but gets extremely cold in the winter, so I purchased a heating blanket and then later a ceramic space heater (the kind with the built-in fan to move the air).

After I got the new HVAC system installed, I no longer had a need for the heating blanket and only used the space heater (that way I can keep the rest of my home cooler at night and only keep my bedroom warm - to save on my electric bill).

Later in the year, when covid really became an issue, I began working remotely - and I have been ever since.

Back in early October (of this year), I woke up one day with incredibly intense pain in my head, face and my left-upper jaw. I thought something was going on with my teeth.

It was strange, because I've had tooth pain before, and my teeth weren't sensitive to the touch - but it still felt like they could fall out at any minute. "Maybe I have an infection", "Maybe I was grinding my teeth", I thought. As the hours went on, the pain dissipated.

Next day, woke up again, exact same pain. So at this point, I'm thinking there's something I'm doing - because I had no pain last night. But I still didn't know what I was doing to cause the issue. What was different?

I believe at this point I realized that it might not be my teeth at all, but rather my sinuses - but I still had no idea what exactly was the issue. "I had the space heater on - could that be it?", I thought.

Then I thought, "But how? I've had my space heater for a few years now, and have used it every fall/winter since."

Still not entirely convinced of anything, my brother had an old Mucinex pill - so I took it thinking it might help alleviate the pain. BIG MISTAKE. Gurl, that is not what Mucinex is for.

I felt even worse - so I forced myself to go to sleep - and sleep until I felt better, which I did toward the evening.

So then I did a google search - space heater and sinus pain - and there were immediate correlations. "But why so different now after so many nights of use - after all these years?", and I thought, "I wonder if it's because of my age."

I stopped using the space heater and began using my heating blanket when needed along with a humidifier and haven't awoken in pain since.

This past Thursday, I went to a funeral - I had been driving for about 1.5/2 hours with the heat on (I was initially given the wrong address - wrong city and all - and that increased my drive time). But no issues.

The funeral home required everyone to wear a mask, so I wore a mask. Toward the end of the service, I had a small headache - it reminded me of the sinus pain I had, but no where near as intense (so I wasn't sure if it came from wearing the mask or the car heater).

My drive home was about 40 minutes or so - still had the headache/pain. When I got home I turned on my humidifier and the pain went away after an hour or so - which leads me to think that it was the heater.

The next day, I watched my humidifier as it pumped out mist and I asked, "Is this the Garden of the God?"

If I have to be anxious about anything then I have to be anxious about everything - and I much prefer to not be anxious anything.

(This is due to the Power of God, and not my desires - as it was God who took away the need for me to be anxious about anything before I knew the option existed.)

One thing that I have asked of God is that my default response is to rest in the faithfulness of God - in the midst of me not knowing, in the midst of terror, in the midst of pain.

When I don't understand, sometimes my immediate response is anxiety and concern - I usually come to my senses (aligning my mind and heart) - but sometimes that first reaction is not what I want (being anxiety).

While sitting outside tonight, the heater and pain became something I thought about. I said, "I didn't have any pain before I began using the space heater" - and a spacecraft flew overhead and became extremely bright in response.

Being very curious of the emphasis of the response (which means YES!!!!!) and very curious of the "why" of it all, I came inside and googled, "Why do space heaters affect sinuses?" - to see if there was a known answer.

I went down a rabbit hole and saw other things about being in the house all day and constantly in dry heat.

I understand now my issue is the sum of things: being home 24 hours a day most days of the week, having efficient heat from my new HVAC system, low-moisture in the air - the space heater was the nail in the coffin.

At this point, loving justice continues to be required. I don't use the space heater anymore (unless my heating system goes out - which it did once because of a blown fuse) and I keep my humidifiers running all day because of the dry heat.

If I've caused any damage to myself that I cannot rectify, then I only wait for God to be glorified.

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Tweets - November 3rd - Can I share a thing

Something I shared on Facebook. It was really in response to something one of my cousins wrote: "Prayer works"


Can I share a thing?

We don't have any control over God's decisions, not from the beginning until now. None of our actions dictate God's choices. This is evident in what we see, what we have always seen. To say that God works to do a thing because we pray for it just isn't true. It may be what we hope for, but it isn't what we see.

The great genie granted us our wishes because we rubbed his lamp in all the right ways, and now we are never sick, we never suffer in our labors, and we never die.

We know there is no genie. God is severely honest with us, and has made plain to us that God is no genie.

Am I saying that God doesn't answer prayers? No I am not. But I am saying that God is honest with us about how God feels about us. I am saying that God will have mercy on whomever God wants to have mercy. The choice is God's alone, not yours, not your mother's, not your ancestors', not because you are good, not because you help the poor, not because you help the sick, not because you are holy, not because you follow the laws and commandments, not because you descend from Abraham, not because you are better than, not because you destroy God's enemies, not because you lead people to God, not because you worship, not because you understand scriptures - but ONLY because God made a choice. God does not owe anyone anything for any work or labor performed, nor does God accept any payments. If this isn't evident to you, then go out and do A and see if God does B.

When people pray in this place, it is like begging for something from someone who really doesn't like you. I suppose then this is a notable difference between a genie and the god of this world (the god of spirits and feelings): genies don't require begging, and you never have to make the same request more than once.

It is our hope that God loves us more than we love ourselves; that God puts more care into us than we are able to put into ourselves. (Though it is not what you see, it is what you hope.) If God doesn't love us more than we love ourselves, then we have always been ruined - we have always been destroyed - there is nothing to hope in - and God is as vicious and as cruel as the worst of mankind, encouraging and justifying all manner of treacherous judgment and violence (like the warmongering, rape encouraging, psychopaths who wrote Deuteronomy), rejecting mercy and instead demanding sacrifices of prayers and worship and animal blood. In which case I'd rather exist as a dog or jellyfish or bumblebee who blissfully live everyday anew, are not anxious of a future with or without God, and go back into non-existence when they perish (just as it was before they were born).

People who pray in this place are like the tormented who praise God because they had one single minute of their day without agonizing pain; or like the starving who shout praises of thanksgiving because they found a few breadcrumbs on the floor; or like the destitute who leap with joys of praise because they found a penny in a trashcan.

If this is all that God is willing to give, the most that anyone could ever expect from God, then this is not God loving us more than we love ourselves. This is not love at all. This is a master/slave relationship where we must work and beg for the teeniest tiniest bit of mercy and kindness (meaning that what we receive when God gives in to our pleads and beggings isn't actually mercy or kindness - but rather some other ego-filled aggressive nonsense).

Why is this not love? Because it isn't how you want to be treated, it isn't how you'd ever want your children to be treated. Because justice is rooted in love and mercy. Justice is setting right what is set wrong, building up what needs to be built up, leveling what needs to be leveled, restoring what needs to be restored, repairing what needs to be repaired. Mercy is the act of creating conditions for justice to exist. And love is the deeply empathetic motivation to do justice. As such, there is no true difference between kindness and justice.

Let us be honest. Is what you receive from God, for all these years, justice? Likely not. Not with all the begging and pleading and the thousands year hope of a future that is always just around the corner. As for this race (humanity), hope is in death. It is the common feature of most religions. Any real and worthwhile acts of kindness from God will have to wait until you drop dead. It is what those before you taught you --- but it isn't what God taught you. You don't see God with you in your flesh so God must be with you in the spirit. "God isn't much of a father to me right now, but he will be later in heaven. God is not kind to my body, so God must be kind to my spirit. The alternative is that God is not with me at all - and that is unacceptably untrue."

How can you be sure whether or not God is with you? Find a person you are certain is without God - do you see God treating them any differently?

We can be sure that if God made us God's choice, and God chooses to answer a prayer, and God loves us more than we love ourselves, then whatever we receive will be justice. It won't be a painless decade, or a million breadcrumbs, or a trillion pennies, it will be an end of oppression (even in the forms that a faithless mind would ever consider). Justice doesn't require you to ask for it, nor is its services rendered by payments of prayer and praise; it is freely given as often as it is pursued.

BTW - regarding Deuteronomy, it was both Jeremiah and Zephaniah who said that the priests and scribes did violence to the law (to you, the law is a cohesive whole and the word of God, to them it was not).

"Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: 'Add your burnt offerings to your sacrifices, and eat the flesh. For in the day that I brought them out of the land of Egypt, I did not speak to your fathers or command them concerning burnt offerings and sacrifices. The lying pen of the scribes has made the Law into a lie." ~ Jeremiah 7 & 8.

"Woe to the oppressive city! Her leaders within her are roaring lions; Her judges are wolves at evening; Her prophets are insolent, treacherous men; Her priests have profaned the sanctuary. They have done violence to the Law." ~ Zephaniah 3

Monday, October 17, 2022

Tweets - October 17th - Justice

Several spacecrafts flew overhead tonight. One spacecraft was bright, but not exceedingly bright, and flew across the sky with consistent intensity. No messages were given, but their presence was very reassuring based on the insights gained over the last few weeks.

If there was a theme of my life based on the things that have occurred with me over the last few years, it would be "justice" - perhaps even, "the pursuit of justice". Justice: setting right what is set wrong.

The biggest takeaway for me is that "walking by faith" IS pursuing justice. Regarding transformation, walking by faith is the first step of kindness toward yourself. Everyday, you know that you will be healed. Everyday, you know that you are being transformed.

My advice: take notice in the beginning, in its inception, and walk by faith - I hope the distance will be shorter.

Whether by action (justice), or by inaction (justice), or by natural processes, or by inspiration, or by heaven, or by God - God remains faithful to see it through according to God's glory.

Monday, October 10, 2022

Tweets - October 10th - Claims

When you spend time with angels and time with God, you learn things, you are given things - some of which put you in very deep thought. But God gives you things and makes things aware to you that are otherwise not apparent to those who do not know God.

So what this means is that sometimes, when we talk about these things with others, we are left with claims that we cannot directly prove.

Christ was able to circumvent the brutal insults and condemnation this can cause - for a few years - by stuffing his claims inside of parables. One of which went something like, "What you put in your mouth cannot defile you, only what comes out of your mouth can defile you."

He otherwise would have struggled with telling a generation of Pharisee following Jewish folk that God does not actually care if you eat a porkchop sandwich, but God does care about you judging and condemning your neighbor.

It's like me telling a bunch of "the bible is the word of God" Christians that Christ doesn't care about people aborting a fetus or fags tounging each other down in a three-way.

A reasonable claim is, at best, plausible. And that is ALWAYS OK. A claim in and of itself should never be regarded as the complete and absolute truth - regardless of whoever is making the claim (on Earth or in heaven).

The only way one can consider a claim "the absolute truth" is to give authority to the one making the claim. Christ made a claim, "nothing you eat can defile you".

Now, one could say that Christ simply had the authority to make all foods clean; and the author of the gospel of Mark did just that by explicitly stating that Christ, "declared all foods clean".

What was not clear to the author of this gospel is that Christ was no authority, nor was he seeking authority, nor was he making a claim because of some supposed authority that a bunch of godless people attributed to him; he was simply sharing with a godless generation what he learned by watching God and by knowing and understanding the Kingdom/Garden of God - and that was 1) that God blesses whomever God wants to bless, regardless of what they eat, regardless of when they eat it; and 2) that the pursuit of justice and mercy and kindness, the pursuit of human decency, is for our sakes and not for God's.

Of course, Christ's claims meant nothing to most Pharisees: "you say it's OK to put whatever you want in your mouth, the bible says it's a sin".

But God is who God is - so Christ was never alone and God's mercy and power followed him wherever he went - proving Christ's claims to whomever God wanted to bless.

Christ made claims that were impossible for him to directly prove, but they were claims that would only be proven by God. A whole generation of Pharisees died and turned into dust, and Christ was given life eternal.

Claims from heaven are rare - and even then, should not be regarded as the absolute truth in and of themselves. Besides, not everyone flying above is a truth teller. Only a lying devil would assert authority and declare that their claims are truth enough.

One such claim given to me 15 or so years ago, which I couldn't grasp at the time, is that there is no separation between God and everything that exists - God is everything in everything.

Can heaven prove such a claim? Of course not. Only God can prove the truthiness of such a claim.

I have been able to observe. God speaks and interacts with us by way of the universe - from healing, to lessons, to eternal life, to wrath and judgment, to anguish, to death. God has no need for esoteric revelation, no need for spirits, no need to whisper things in people's ears.

How do you convince a blind infant that the sky is blue? You heal the infant's eyes. God is faithful, and understands the nature of an infant, and understands the nature of an infant's eyes.

Sunday, October 9, 2022

Tweets - October 9th - Truth

The last 2 times that heaven spoke with me, they've used both my personality and my lived experiences as part of the message. Both times, the spacecrafts flew and became very bright. I was puzzled both times they became luminous, but each time, the message soon became clear.

The first message occurred a few weeks ago, either late August or early September, I was told the truth will do its own convincing - the truth is compelling. Since I haven't seen angels much recently, such events are important.

Then tonight, the second message, I was shown the truth can be exaggerated and dramatized for comical effect.

As for why I was initially puzzled each time, it was because I wasn't discussing anything with heaven. I was having thoughts and reflecting, and they interjected.

The first time, I was compelled by a friend's conviction. I believed them, undoubtedly. Though as the hours went on, I began to wonder if they were being honest with themselves or simply telling themselves (and me) what they wanted to believe was true.

The second time, I was entertaining myself with a likely and funny story.

Monday, October 3, 2022

Tweets - October 3rd - Thank you

One of things I don't really care for is when a parent tells their child to say "thank you" to me after I give them something. I know that this place has a trauma-induced incredibly huge ego problem, so people need to hear a "thank you" after they do something for you or say some "nice" thing to you.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the deeds of heaven, and I am so deeply grateful, and I thank heaven and I thank God. But I don't thank heaven to glorify heaven, I thank heaven because heaven glorified me. And they have never responded, "You're welcome".

Everything is a gift, and everything will be a gift. Their effort is a gift, and my effort is a gift.

Saturday, August 13, 2022

Tweets - August 13th

The hour is coming when not even a single soul will dare utter the words, "Thank you Jesus". They will be so far broken that they will have nothing to boast in, not even their lord.

"What do we do wrong?", they ask. You offer up your brothers for money and your sisters for pride. You continually convince yourself and your neighbors that your destructive evil is good. You walk up to God's altar and present to God books filled with vomit and lies and violence, and you say to God, "this is your word - this is who you are", and then you destroy human nature and you teach your children to do the same, condemning (in your heart or with your mouth) those who don't do the same. I won't have to deal with the current version of "you" for much longer.

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Tweets - August 9th - Imitating God

Back in May, I was told plainly that I didn't know myself and that I needed to take a deep look at myself and my past, and remember all that happened to me and remember where I come from. Sound advice.

Such introspection comes with its pain, but it produces honesty and integrity, and it helps me see what I have kept hidden. I'm not just talking about what I keep hidden regarding myself, but also regarding the world and even God.

God has said to me, "Imitate me", and I said to God in my dishonesty and my blindness, "I will imitate you a little, but You are too severe and not so very nice to people. So I will leave all that unpleasantness in Your hands, and I will go on singing, 'Peace, please!'."

For some, a good talking to with some attentive care is all that's needed for them to be decent people, for some, people learn goodness and true justice by reaping the fruit of the harmful seeds they've planted, for some, stern consistent rebukes are what's required for them to be consistently careful with others and themselves. But what is left when all this fails?

Those who couldn't be reasoned with through discourse have slaughtered those who've disagreed with them; those who didn't learn from the consequences of their actions have destroyed entire nations; those who've ignored rebukes have condemned the poor for being poor, beat them, starved them, and destroyed the little they do have. And if they themselves didn't do these things, their children did, for hundreds and thousands of years. God has rejected our ancestors.

What is left for such people but for me to imitate the not-so-niceness of God in the same manner of God?

Someone in heaven told me a few years ago that God will not come like a mother whipping her child. And this is true, God is no authoritarian, nor has God ever gained pleasure by taking away the liberty of any living thing.

Though it may take years, the severity of God's judgment is one and done. If all other means to lead these nations, this race, toward human decency fail, then they will receive the ass-whooping of God.

It is a one-time thing, a one-time severe lesson, a deep and single punishment, and many will not survive. It is not preferred by God which is why it is so long delayed.

Long ago, heaven chose Israel to be the first light of this world, but Israel had this nasty habit of darkening itself with its own arrogance, and so they became failure upon failure.

So heaven sent prophets to Israel to lead Israel back to human decency (justice, kindness, equity, honesty, faithfulness). This was not preferred by heaven, as a prophet's portion was (and will always be) undesirable.

To be moved into such a position with all the deep sadness, and grief, and rejection, and depression, on top of all the verbal and physical assault - it isn't a position God ever desired for anyone. God did not take pleasure in the suffering of any of them, even Christ.

But it was the last straw, the last resolution before God (through heaven) found need to come down and give a one-time, nation destroying, culture wasting, humiliating, absolutely destructive ass-whooping.

Everything you had hope in, everything you clung to for peace, everyone and everything you leaned on for support was taken away from you in an instant. You finally understood that you were helpless, alone, and so very long without God.

With opened eyes and help from above and below, these things are being made clear to me.

Friday, July 29, 2022

Tweets - July 29th - Shared the Gospel

A few weeks ago, I had this dream that I was over an attorney's house and he was having an event - a party. I didn't know the guy.

From what I remember, a door was opened (metaphorically), and I turned away from everyone and asked heaven to help me, and I shared with them the gospel - starting from what happened that night at Six Flags in 1999.

People confronted me and challenged me, yet there was no fight in me, and I spoke to them as if I were speaking to my mother. And when I woke up, something was stirred in me.

Last weekend, I shared the gospel with someone who was more or less a stranger. In hindsight, I do wish I would have included some things in the message and said some things differently.

All in all, the person was partially receptive, not combative at all, and didn't challenge me at all - they even repeated some things I said back to me (according to their understanding/through their own filter - that part was interesting).

To be honest when I first began speaking with them, I gathered that this person wouldn't insult me or be very combative, but I wasn't entirely sure (not that it mattered at that point). In any case, I imagine this experience won't be true for most others.

I've realized that I'm not a fan of doing the whole 1999 Six Flags intro, but I didn't know how else to begin. If possible, I'll need to figure that part out. Unfortunately, I couldn't start with Christ or salvation from death - but I certainly ended up there.

Sunday, July 17, 2022

Tweets - July 17th - Arrogance

2 nights ago I mentioned to heaven that there is no room for arrogance. Three spacecrafts became luminous and flew together, all of which had different light intensities. I later mentioned again that there is no room for arrogance, and another spacecraft appeared.

Where we are headed, and this path we are on toward the Garden, there is no room for arrogance. What this really means is that love (active and deeply empathetic love) is going to be key to success.

We overcome arrogance by valuing one another FAR more than our successes, and what we have, and what we make, and what we own, and where we live, and what we do. This is proven easily by watching God, who has and owns and does everything, but boasts in nothing.

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Tweet - July 23rd:

We overcome arrogance by valuing one another as we value ourselves.

Thursday, July 14, 2022

Tweets - July 14th - Brilliant

A few nights ago (the last time I was outside prior to tonight) while having dialogue with heaven, a spacecraft appeared and became extremely brilliant and remained that way as it slowly flew across the sky. The same thing happened again tonight.

There has recently been a lot of clarity on faith, and justice, and repentance - all of which are for our benefit, for our glory, for our peace, for the sake of the Garden.

I've previously said that there is no healing without justice, but I've come to understand that this statement is incomplete as it leaves little room for God's mercy and power. In actuality, just the pursuit of justice and repentance is enough for you to be forgiven and healed.

And though it is true that neither repentance nor justice can dictate God's actions, you are safe to lean on God's love (deep mercy, kindness, and power) and can safely wait for God. You are permitted to safely wait for God.

As such, I am expecting some doors to be opening soon so that I might walk through them so that I might tremble and share this strange gospel. Heaven was brilliant tonight.

The apostle Paul said that knowledge leads to boasting, but I say that it also leads to fear.

If knowledge and fear go hand in hand, then it would have been better for us to be born dogs or mice or ants, who have no perception of fear (beside what they perceive to be immediate threats).

If God required fear through knowledge, then God did a piss poor job of bringing about life in this universe and didn't think the whole "intelligent life" thing all the way through.

But this is the LIVING GOD's universe. Here, knowledge and life are permitted to go hand in hand; knowledge and a sound mind are permitted to go hand in hand; knowledge and liberty are permitted to go hand in hand.

All of these things depend, not only on the pursuit of care and justice, but also on us walking by faith and not by terror - (leaning instead on God's nonnegotiable loving care and power rather than the fear of the infinite unknown).

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Updated: 7/15/2022

I should make clear, walk by faith and not by terror. This does not mean we will not know terror. God is glorified first. God is glorified in part through our salvation, but especially the salvation of the whole world.

Sometimes waiting is required, but we never wait alone (I'm speaking to those who'll find themselves walking with God). We can't say when God or even heaven should or will do a thing. There is a plan in place in which we are just a part; but we are indeed part of a whole.

While we wait, sometimes the loud booms will frighten us. Sometimes people and things will be permitted to harm us. But in all this, we will not be destroyed. God is always being glorified - even for the sake of truth and for the salvation of our race from despair and death.

So, I'm saying that you do not have to take up arms, or be anxious, or worry about anything. Seek and do justice (to yourself and others), and walk. God is incomparably faithful, as you have seen and will see again and again.

Friday, July 1, 2022

Tweets - July 1st - Rebukes

I received 2 public and stern rebukes from heaven tonight because of my behavior. The first rebuke: "It's not all about you." The second rebuke: "You are on the receiving end of mercy."

The first rebuke, the spacecraft became very bright very fast, then slowly dimmed. The second rebuke was sharper than the first, and it made me begin to understand the first rebuke. The spacecraft was very bright and lower than typical and flew extremely fast over my home.

This also made me understand the peculiar appearances behind the trees a few months ago: I see what they want me to see; I have what they want me to have.

I am not owed anything, I am not due anything, there is nothing heaven gives me that I have deserved - this includes knowledge and information. No, I don't feel like I am owed anything or due anything, but I expected the outcomes all the same.

Angels were severe. It's not all about me. Heaven did not boast in its ability or its power, but was intent on making me aware that I am a piece of VERY BIG PLAN. I am moved when heaven needs me to be moved, and not when I want it.

I can investigate the things I have been given, but there is no need for me to complain about the things I have not been given - and CERTAINLY not make shit up when I lack information (because then I am no different than religious folk who do the same).

Another spacecraft flew, and I sat with my eyes glued to heaven and my mouth shut (I dared not speak). I will be better off for it.

After the rebukes there was sternness but calmness, and other spacecrafts flew and gave me insight into the rebukes and my behavior.

Sunday, June 26, 2022

Tweets - June 26th - Jacqui

@RevJacquiLewis

I will admit, I had to do a double-take when I saw your face pop up beside Jesse Peterson's face. I don't normally see his videos pop up in my Youtube feed, but I suppose since I've seen a few of his videos in the past, and I've seen some of yours, it showed up.

My reaction: "What in the world?! She must not be acquainted with his interviews." I imagine that a bit of deception via omission was involved in getting you on his show.

It's one of those lessons learned situations, I'm sure. But the part of the interview that struck me, and the reason I even cared to post this, was the end of the interview. You said to Jesse that you weren't comfortable and you wanted to end the interview.

Jesse does not love others as he loves himself - this was all the more clear and evident to me when you said you weren't comfortable and you wanted to stop, and he completely disregarded your request (treating you in a way he would never want to be treated himself).

As you know "fierce love" begins with loving yourself. My advice (unsolicited, I know), when someone tells you through their actions that they don't truly care about you (in whatever way), then leave. Unless you have an obligation to stay, just roll out.

If you stay, you're likely going to get hurt and feel the need to fight (argue, debate, defend). No part of the conversation from then on will be anything other than a battle.

Since you didn't leave, Jesse (caring nothing about your discomfort) was able to charm and sweet-talk you ("if you're still uncomfortable, let me know"), drag on the conversation, ask you another question, and then mock your answer ("Obama causing the insurrection" -- he knew what you were talking about -- and lied to you and the audience by acting like he didn't know you were talking about Trump).

By staying and feeling the urge to defend yourself (I could see it on your face), you began making excuses on timing and how the interview was supposed to end at 4, and this being the reason you now wanted to leave (especially when he began picking at you saying you're "running away"). I thought your excuses were going to give him even more ammo because (it appeared to me) you became deceptive yourself, and I thought he was going to catch on and use it against you. (If you truly had been enjoying the conversation with a polite and pleasant person, would you still have needed to end at 4?)

I'm also aware of that internal conflict of caring about how you treat others (such as not hanging up on someone) and caring about how they're treating you.

But Jesse cannot treat you in ways he would want to be treated himself; his portion in life (total despair), and his theology and the interpretation of your scriptures teach him that he does not have to. What more is there to say at that point?

I would suggest you don't go back on his show - at least not to talk about the work you do.

He may mock you for it and try to incite you by calling you a lying pastor (since you said you wanted to reschedule), but this is the lesson and consequence of dealing with him after he told you plainly - through deed - that he doesn't give a shit about you.

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Tweets - June 19th - Fighting

So I have since understood that I never ever need to fight because of fear or trepidation or anxiety, or for good or to be impactful; and in fact, I am being shown another way altogether: the plain simple upbuilding unopinionated truth, and emphasis.

I watched about an hour and a half of the Poor People's Assembly that took place yesterday in DC on YouTube, and some of it was beautiful and informative and some of the people's stories caused me to grieve.

What makes me a poor activist is that I hate fighting, always have. I'm not even talking about physical blows, I'm talking about arguing, quarreling, and sometimes competing - as an adult, it makes me tremble and shake, as a child it terrified me to sadness.

I remember when I was a kid, I was in Ocean City, Maryland with my family and their friends and their kids, and we were bowling at a bowling alley. My family and their friends and kids were having a ball, but I felt a deep sadness and I went to the bathroom and I cried and cried.

I did not like the competitive and demanding aspects of the game. I've been to a thousand bowling alleys since (I sometimes enjoy being around people that are having a good time), but I don't think I've bowled since that day in Ocean City.

So one thing I explained to heaven years ago is that I never want to be a fighter. If they wanted a fighter, they had the wrong person. But turns out, they didn't want a fighter at all, they wanted someone who absolutely hated fighting.

So I have since understood that I never ever need to fight because of fear or trepidation or anxiety, or for good or to be impactful; and in fact, I am being shown another way altogether: the plain simple upbuilding/destructive unopinionated truth, and emphasis.

Friday, June 17, 2022

Tweets - June 17th - Emphasis

Spacecrafts have been flying overhead every night I have been outside recently. (I suppose if you ever wanted to see them, now would be a good time to come sit with me, as I don't know how long this will last.)

Taking this personal deep dive has been forcing me to really pay attention to what people are saying and doing, and it is forcing me to consider their motivations (in ways I previously hadn't). A new thing is happening.

Tonight, several spacecrafts flew - some were brighter than others. A dim spacecraft flew, and I mentioned to heaven that the message from a spacecraft that is dim is just as important as the message that comes from the spacecrafts that are bright - but I remember the message longer when the spacecraft is bright with emphasis. A spacecraft became exceedingly bright in my peripheral, causing me to turn my head to look at it (it was the only one that appeared in that manner or became that bright).

You see, the message with emphasis also grabbed my attention.

I am considering myself, and where I will walk, and what doors may be opening for me to walk through. To some, when I speak, truth will stand alongside joyful hope, to others, truth will be weighty and painfully destructive - in either case, from what I've gathered tonight, I will provide emphasis as I see fit and heaven will provide emphasis as they see fit (there's nothing quite like an emphatic message from above - you are forever changed).

Friday, June 3, 2022

Tweets - June 3rd - Titties

There was a consistent message from heaven tonight, "You cannot be driven by both faith and terror."

I am a child terrorized. I was always so terrified of tomorrow. My terror from peers was never physical, it was always emotional - and I had no one to help, no community, not a single soul who would save me from my perpetual despair.

I didn't keep my tears to myself, but both my parents were terrorized as children with physically violent terror. What is emotional terror when compared to physical brutality? Suck it up, toughen up - punch a n*gga in the face if you have to.

When I was 9 years old, I sprouted my first gray hairs on my head; by the time I graduated high school, my head was sprinkled all over with gray hair.

When I was in middle school, I developed stomach pains.  What a relief!! Hospital visits kept me far away from school and away from my cruel peers.

Drinking weird tasting liquids for x-rays of my stomach and small intestines? I'll take it! Scary enema at 12 years old that turned my poop white for a few days? Sign me up!! Anything to keep me away from those people. Scared the hell out of my mother in the process.

The doctor prescribed me some pills to help with the stomach pains; found out out years later by my mother that they were placebo pills - just sugar. He knew what was up, I wonder if he recommended therapy (not that I received any).

The awful part about being a terrorized child is that they sometimes get in bed with terrorists, even as adults - just so that they stop being terrorized by those terrorists.

Now, I never became a full-on terrorist myself, I'm way too much of a weak sissy to do that, but it didn't stop me from befriending them, inviting them over, and making light of their cruel behavior.

I was called "fat", "gay", and "ugly" on repeat. Nothing worse than being a little fat boy at the pool, you find out that you have titties.

Didn't know I made little girls jealous. Was it a complement when she said my tits were bigger than hers? Was it gay when he said, "I would squeeze them, but you not a girl"?

I still feel that old terror when I take my shirt off in public. I'm considering doing it more often, I hear it may help psychologically.

I have been Kelvin in a box all this time, a box that I did not create - and not Kelvin free, though I have been set free. So the consistent message tonight was, "walk by faith, not by terror". I can do that, even though I'm sure some days it's gonna suck something terrible.

=====================================================

Update, June 20, 2022:

I absolutely created this box. I created the box and the shame (whose dependent and opposite is pompousness and boasting).

No, I did not create the untreated wounds from the emotional violence; but the walls, and the defense, and the shame which forced my body to produce gray hair so young and then dermatitis - that was me (not that I had any idea how to appropriately handle these things, and be gentle and kind to myself).

So much of our cultures and our traditions are formed and sculpted by shame. There is no healing and certainly no liberty without justice; shame is injustice.

Brent Tweets - May 31st

Sunday Evening. 11:35 PM (an extended low level flyover, same GPS coordinates-it passed directly over my position. I had to look straight up to see it). 11:50 PM a brief brilliant pass (a few seconds).

The message:

I discussed my plan to become the craziest prophet while at the same time screwing everyone up by making perfect common sense while I do so.

My  angel says that is a great idea and that I should use more twitter hashtags, and do the same as I did for the wing cloud.

We had newsgroup back in those days, and my strategy was to spam them and then hope that something might stick. A lot of it has gone obsolete and vanished when modern social media appeared.

There was also a cluster of events after Midnight. 

I was visited by an angel assigned to @junyabell (Kelvin Bell). 

Never before has that happened. Here is an angel asking for help. So we talked it over. Finally it all made sense to me.

Your banner: 'from darkness to light'. 

Darkness I equate with some past #trauma.

But your banner is at best, an aspiration, your dream goal. The cruel truth is that it hurts like hell to carry such a secret for twenty years. 

You banner should read 'from darkness to trauma'

I know who you are, but I don't think you remember, so hard have you been trying to live the dream of Jimmie the Walt Disney World Singing Cricket (when you wish upon a star, you're dreams come true!)

And then no they don't.

Your Guardian Angel told me to explain to you why it is that I have refused to become involved with you or give you council. You see, I was already struggling with my own complex PTSD, and trauma victims do not good therapists make. That is just simple common sense.

Once not to long ago you said to me, 'the best I can do is poor imitation of you.' I told you to be yourself, which was worthless advice, because you don't know who you are and you are bitterly disappointed that a singing cricket does not rule the world. Oh bitter reality.

Let me share with you the secret reason why an angel chose you. They were looking for a traumatized singing cricket, a sensitive empath, who would mirror the symptoms of someone struggling with PTSD through a type of sympathetic transfer of mental illness.

Your Angel told me to let you know just how shocked I was when I saw myself reflected in you. It was an experience that did me a world of good, and made me even more resolute to get to the bottom of finding out what was wrong with me.

You were not called to be an oracle, you were called to be a mirror. 

As you know, a couple of weeks back your angel provoked you enough times to make you understand that all your oracle tweets have been erased, because you don't understand anything, typical in trauma cases.

3 times in a row your #angel told me to tell you to consider your oracles deleted, and please, your angel begged, make him stop giving oracles.

At the same time they have been showing you double and triple displays of what are beyond dispute weird aerial phenomenon #uap.

They are provoking you and they are targeting directly the ashes and dust that are all that remain of your ruined faith, after your last hope of ever being a singing cricket again were ground under a jackboot for 20 years.

Neither untreated trauma victims, people who don't know who they are, or ruined stomped dead crickets, none of these are qualified oracles. 

If you can learn to just be yourself they are offering you a job, because you don't use someone and then just throw them away.

Saturday, May 28, 2022

Tweets - May 28th

A few spacecrafts flew overhead tonight, but 2 very bright spacecrafts came up over the horizon, one after the other at roughly the same speed. The one in the rear was slightly brighter than the one in the lead before they both dimmed out of sight.

A difference between those who take on the task of being angels as opposed to those who are performing some other task is that angels are often graceful in the way they fly. You don't see much go-stop-go or zig-zagging among angels like you do in folks' videos of spacecrafts.

I don't think I can even recall ever seeing them zig-zag across the sky. I've seen them be stationary and then fly, and I've seen them fly and come to a halt, but never go-stop-go-stop. Angels are graceful and intentional and careful with their "words", even when they are sharp.

"I saw an angel flying directly overhead. Another angel, a second, followed. And another angel, a third, followed them." ~ Revelation 14:6-9??

https://www.sanctuaryforjustice.org/2022/02/tweets-february-20th.html

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Tweets - May 25th - Thoughts

Walking through some thoughts. Christian white Joe hates gay black Dave because Dave is black and gay. Christian white Joe grabs a rifle and shoots gay black Dave in the head. What then is justice (divine justice)? Is justice the brutal condemnation of Joe (to death), or is it the salvation of Dave (from death), or is it the salvation of them both; first Dave and later Joe?

What I see, what I know, is that Joe has no control over God's decisions. What I see is that the portion given to an innocent baby is visibly no different than the portion given to a racist homophobic murderer like Joe. No sum of extraordinary evil can dictate God's wrath, not its timing nor its severity. Religion teaches us anger for anger - do this, and God will do that - but God teaches us no such thing. God will have mercy on whom God wants to have mercy, and God will condemn whomever God wants to condemn.

If God wants to be glorified through Moscow and the CCP in this generation, then I say to Yahweh, "Be glorified!!!".

What is wrath to the starving, or the severity of God's judgment to those already struggling to breathe? Hell is known, and it aint so scary to those currently being burned by the tormenting flames.

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Tweets - May 1st

Response to Brent's tweet: https://twitter.com/bkherbert99/status/1520827558450929664

My experience the past few times they've flown overhead is that they sometimes appear out of my immediate view - not always, but enough times lately for me to take notice and ask questions.

They fly behind the trees (appearing through the leaves), or they fly in my peripheral vision (sometimes shining very brightly) which causes me to look at them - both of which have happened on a few occasions recently.

At this point my brain starts churning - but not too much because (for me) speculating can be a complete waste of effort. But old questions still arise: "Is this in reference to me?", "Am I being oblivious to what's in my face?", "Should I be looking at things differently?".

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Tweets - April 23rd - Attentive Care

What I have been given, also, is attentive care. Ongoing, always, attentive care. I am never denied. I am given attentive care because I, as a human being, require ongoing unending attentive care.

When you provide attentive care in this place, it means abuse. You will be humiliated, kicked, spat on, slapped, punched, have objects thrown at you, cursed out, insulted, and lied about. In all this, I am not concerned, because I am also given attentive care; ongoing, always, attentive care; FAR more than I could ever give.

No one receives more abuse than God, for thousands and thousands of years no one is more dragged than God - and still God says "Yes" to us all because these things are only endured for a short time - and because God is care; and yes, thousands and thousands of years is a short time in the grand scheme of things (eternal life).

Friday, April 8, 2022

Tweets - April 8th - Healings and Afflictions

I am more and more convinced that the healing I've seen regarding the dermatitis on my scalp was not because of God (directly) but because of the significant decrease in stress and depression over the last few years. In 2020 when I began to have a clearer understanding of faithfulness and began to truly walk by faith, it affected the way I perceived things and the way I approached life - significantly so, and I began to no longer be impacted by things that caused me distress in prior years.

It is amazingly interesting how some afflictions are taken away instantly, and others are allowed to be endured for years. I am so thankful for the beginning of understanding; it is always the beginning of understanding for me. And I am so grateful that I am able to walk in the counsel and the wisdom of Christ, and the angels, and everyone else who has walked with God for so very long.

The word of God to me is always, "YES", it is always, "YES!".

We have no control over God's decisions. Making requests (prayer), doing good, these things have no bearing on God's decisions. When we are healed, we are healed simply because God wants to heal us, and because doing so isn't destructive (in the long run). How can healing be destructive? Well, it would depend on the person being healed. For most, coming out of religious cultures, it would send so many wrong messages and God would encourage lies and awful behaviors: "I am healed [because I am good; because I help the poor; because I help the sick; because I am holy; because I follow the laws and commandments of my religion/God; because I descend from Abraham; because I am better than; because I destroy God's enemies; because I lead people to God; because I worship; because I understand the scriptures; etc.]" - and any other reason besides, "I am healed because God wanted to heal me."

When walking with God, there is NOTHING that God does for us that doesn't build us up. All things are for our up-building. God's deeds have instructed us in the way we should walk: heal and be mindful; heal even though people do nothing to deserve it; heal because it is who you are; do good in justice (healing and kindness should not prevent nor destroy what is good, nor should it encourage bad behaviors). Our afflictions, whether non-existent, temporary or persistent, are for our salvation. Afflictions are the fear and devastation of this people who are without God, because such things ultimately lead to the destruction of the mind and body, and then death; but for us, our struggles and our afflictions perfect the Garden of God, and they are the method by which we are being saved to life eternal and by which the world is being saved. Our afflictions instruct us to lean on God and walk by faith, so there is no fear or shame in them, and from them there is no burden that God will not remove. "YES!!!"

So my joy and celebration are in both my healings and my afflictions, because God is being glorified through them all; and when God is gloried, whole worlds are saved.


Saturday, March 12, 2022

Tweets - March 12th - God Loves the World

Why did Jesus want to be baptized?

Oftentimes the simplest answer is the correct answer. One would think that Jesus being baptized by John (the Baptist) would destroy the Church's idea of Jesus's "perfection" - but no - not if the Church or her religion had the final say (and they did for 2000 years).

"John [the Baptist] appeared, baptizing in the wilderness and proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins." ~ Mark 1:4

"In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan." ~ Mark 1:9

According to Josephus the historian, John called for Jews to seek God for forgiveness and vow to show unending kindness toward one another, and to walk humbly God - things John saw lacking in his generation - then baptizing them so that the cleanliness of their outer parts would symbolically match the cleanliness of their forgiven and changed inner parts. The person being baptized had already repented for the harmful acts they committed, and it was understood (by Jews) that the person being baptized was already forgiven.

Why then did Jesus want to be baptized?

"As Jesus was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and asked him, 'Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?'. And Jesus said to him, 'Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.'" ~ Mark 10:18

Yeshua (Jesus) repented, and he was forgiven by God, and he went to John to be baptized because he recognized his deficiencies as a decent human being.

When God began to walk with Yeshua, he knew he was forgiven and this experience humbled him - as being forgiven by God humbles you because of the way God treats you from that point onward.

The God of Yeshua then is the same God of Yeshua now. Forgiveness is a perpetual deed and act.

Yeshua clung to the Laws of liberty and human decency and not the laws of Moses (certainly not those parts which contradict the Laws of liberty and decency).

So Yeshua didn't go get baptized because he plucked heads of grain on a Saturday or because he partied with prostitutes and refused to perform religious fasts - he had long since been forgiven.

Wisdom is earned. He went because there were times in his life when his only focus was himself and he treated people like shit. "Why do you call me good?" (Such a question requires introspection and a ton of realizations, and Yeshua both taught and teaches from his experiences.)

The church, and the Matthew, Mark, and Luke gospel writers were uncomfortable with Yeshua's baptism and - being the religious spinners they were - they turned his baptism into a mystical event (spirits, voices, and doves), whereas the gospel of John, though mentioning John the Baptist and the mystical elements of previous gospels, leaves out the baptism of Yeshua altogether. "Enough time has passed, so let's just act like it never happened." ~ Gospel of John

Though Yeshua may now be as close as one can get to being "good", he certainly wasn't back then.

He learned and understood mercy and human decency because he experienced mercy and decency from the Living God - and he exclaimed this merciful power to a faithless unrepentant godless generation.

It is an amazing thing then that God never required perfection from us in order to save us from godless despair and death. God never required faith from us in order for God to be faithful. God never required mercy from us in order for God to be merciful.

The church thoroughly destroyed itself and erased any good and decent knowledge of God it once had; this is evident in their scriptures.

Any understanding of salvation was gone - though forever visible in the salvation of Yeshua - their Jesus became such a perfect idol that they did the religious spin on salvation (being aware of their own despair, perceiving their own demise) and turned salvation into an afterlife and a lie, exchanging the faithful power of God for absolutely nothing. Any mercy from God would have to wait until after you schemed and fought your way through this hell and finally dropped dead.

Or maybe on some future date, there'll be a rapture - some time in the distance where God is finally, at long last, not an evil uncaring bastard and poor excuse of a "father". This "salvation" was always a worthless lie and has added no good thing to this world.

God is not with you, not right now.  You receive no good and eternal thing from God, and you have the same portion as everyone else in this place. Your fears and your despairs are your testimony.

When you see God walking with you, I'm telling you, you won't need any book or lengthy sermon to tell you that God loves the world.

Sunday, February 20, 2022

Tweets - February 20th

What an interesting display. I wasn't speaking with heaven about anything in particular, nor was I thinking about anything that I could reference.

A spacecraft became luminous and flew very slowly and grew brighter. As it became brighter and brighter, 2 more spacecrafts became luminous - one to the far rear left and one to the far rear right - so all 3 spacecrafts formed an equilateral triangle and flew at the same speed, but the triangle was tilted (so that from my point of view, the spacecraft on the far rear right was higher in the sky than the spacecraft on the rear left). The 2 rear spacecrafts became brighter, each at their own pace, but not as bright as the one in the lead.

The lead spacecraft's light dimmed out of sight, then the spacecraft on the rear left dimmed out sight, then finally the spacecraft on the rear right dimmed out of sight.



Thursday, February 10, 2022

Tweets - February 10th - Look for the Garden

You can talk to God about any and everything. Let your left hand and your right hand both pave the way toward the Garden of God (faithfulness, justice, and uplifting care); look for the Garden in everything you do. You'll only need to walk and wait for God.

When you are trapped, in distress, you only need to do justice (think about things and set right what you can set right) and patiently wait for God. Your delight in living is the Garden of God and the Glory of God.

A spacecraft flew tonight and shone brightly.

Soon, these children will cling to the Living God - in an hour that is acceptable to God - they will be permitted to know God and see God even though they did not seek God.

Their faith, their trust, their justice, their love, their sincerity, their strength, and their integrity will rest solely on the power of God, and not on the wisdom, ego, craftiness, or strength of any man.

Monday, February 7, 2022

Tweets - February 7th - Younger

I stopped smoking cigarettes maybe 8 years ago, and I stopped drinking alcohol almost 5 years ago. I was sitting with 2 friends a few weeks ago, one older (20 years my senior) and one a few years younger. I hadn't seen my older friend since January 2020.

While sitting, my older friend turned to me and asked, "Kelvin, has anyone told you how much younger you look since you stopped drinking and smoking?". He then turned to my younger friend and asked, "Doesn't Kelvin look much younger?"

I certainly feel the changes in my skin, and I think I see changes in my muscles, but I don't know if I see them in my face. I do see that my face is smaller (as I changed my diet 6 years ago), and maybe that's what my friend saw.

I am glad that Christ saw fit to begin in me these changes years after I changed my drinking, smoking, and eating habits, so there would be no ambiguity.

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Tweets - January 12th - Garden of God

The Garden of God: Support systems of support systems of support systems of support systems (Community). It is merciful ingenuity. You are never ever alone. It is faithful, upbuilding, and healing trust in friends, in lovers, in strangers, in oneself, and in the Living God.

Monday, January 10, 2022

Tweets - January 10th - Children

Response to tweet: https://twitter.com/MrBTheTeach/status/1479221097799299078

Some things came in to focus after watching these videos.

You know, heaven has refused to tell me how to think about anything. In fact, if an angel visits you and tells you how you need to think about something, one way or another, you can be certain that it is no angel speaking with you (same goes for any of these prophets).

As often as they have been hands-on with me, they have been hands-off. They continually show me what goodness is, and then they step back so that I can consider the things I've been given.

But considering the vileness that bear, raise, teach, and govern children in this place, I do understand more plainly why one would have the need to instruct and encourage children to view things like Nazism, racism, and slavery in a negative way.

Remember children:
"Racism": BAD! (unless it benefits corporate or political agendas)
"Ideal rate of poverty, hunger, thefts, evictions, destitution, homelessness, system-inflicted pain, and unemployment > 0%": GOOD!

I spent 25 years in godless despair, and it's good for me to remember where I come from so I'll always know where you are (or at least have a good idea of where you are).

As much as I'll require you to understand goodness, I will not tell you how to think - and my silence will piss you off at times, just like it pissed me off when they (pointing upward) were silent.

I will have to think of ways to give insight and show you - even before you know you need to see - and my hope is that you will be in a better position to both move forward and be moved forward (by God through Christ).

The end goal is for you to heal and to be healed, so that even if this world causes you perpetual agony, sadness, and distress, your mind and your body will not. In this way, God is being glorified through you.

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Tweets - January 9th - Liberty

"Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? If to others I am not an apostle, at least I am to you." ~ 1 Corinthians 9. One thing I will say about Paul (being a Pharisee yet called by God through Christ), is that Paul could set right and bring to light many things in the church that the disciples and other apostles were ignoring and hiding (and therefore, setting wrong). "But if I still proclaim circumcision, why am I still being persecuted?" ~ Galatians 5. Though it doesn't appear the disciples were teaching that following the law was a requirement for salvation, they weren't teaching that it wasn't either. This then explains why Peter and James could travel around with their wives and converse with Jews and Jewish leaders throughout Asia and Europe whereas Paul had the shit kicked out of him every time he stepped foot in Israel. What the church needed was truth and confidence in God's power and mercy (which would have been interpreted as boldness), and Christ knew this faithfulness in Paul before Paul knew it in himself.

Lifting someone up in order for them to be humbled can be a very risky endeavor; they may not let go of that which they once fully clung to. In Paul's case, he was brought up as a religious Jew, to know and follow and understand the Laws of Moses through and through; then he encountered Christ on the road and was humbled. "Do we then overthrow the law by this faith? By no means! On the contrary, we uphold the law." ~ Romans 3. Paul clung to the law and was convinced the law came from God as the covenant between God and Israel. And he, whether intentionally or inadvertently, required the Church to obey parts of law (as a requirement for salvation), especially those parts which dealt with "sexual immorality". This was hypocrisy that no one in the Church would stand up to Paul and point out - not for thousands of years. Paul expected the Churches to live according to some of the ideals set by the law (so the Churches would display themselves a certain way before God, men, and other Churches), which led him to be controlling. This was Paul's grave error that he could not overcome - not even after decades - and so he perished and left behind a Church that would never see nor understand the True Liberty found in the Living God (this side of the grave).

Paul - like billions of others - would need to be destroyed in order to be saved, and Paul is being saved. I imagine he will be among the first to be raised up.

I do see Paul's concern with all the issues that can surround sex in a monogamous/marital-centric culture, especially among people who are coming to know God and God's mercy. If you are jealous because your neighbor likes the girl you like, then how will you love your neighbor? For Paul, it made sense to him for people to just refrain from sex altogether - and if they couldn't resist their urges, then get married. In suggesting these things over and over, he ignored human nature, calling it "sin", and encouraged entire generations to follow suit. It never occurred to him that liberty and neighborly loving care could be found in sex too, even among multiple partners.

As for me, I haven't had sex in maybe 6 or 7 years. My reasons for not doing so are not physical or emotional (I'm in a good headspace, my body functions normally, and my orgasms are powerful). Sex in this place comes with a lot of expectations - quite a bit of selfishness and sometimes carelessness - it's noticeable in a lot of porn as well.

When I was a kid, I had a wooden baseball bat, and I would sometimes go out to the basketball court at the apartment complex I lived in at the time, and I would sit down by myself, find rocks, and grind them with my baseball bat (rotating the bat on the rocks over and over). What was left was a powdered sand that amazed me as a child - turning rocks into sand - I discovered it by accident just by playing around. Now, this didn't work for all rocks, but I learned which rocks I could grind into sand and which ones I couldn't. Eventually other kids took notice and they sat down and ground up rocks with me. Sometimes other kids in the complex would come, knock on my door, and ask me, "Kelvin, do you want to go grind up some rocks?"

None of this was the expected or conventional use of a wooden baseball bat and a basketball court. I didn't like playing baseball or basketball or even the idea of sports, I just liked the simplicity of grinding rocks by myself or with my neighbors.

I don't think I'll be sleeping with anyone who isn't being saved by God alongside me. To me, this is fair. Should I only request from the beautiful (who are dying) and ignore the ugly, wrinkled, or disfigured (who are dying)? This sounds so very unfair to me - especially knowing the power of God. I am completely OK with waiting for them all to fall under grace and lean on God, even if it takes several more decades.