Early Gospel - The Beginning of the Understanding of God

I found an old letter that I wrote to friends. It's dated November 29, 2013 (and left unmodified):

I’m sharing this with you all first before I post it anywhere else, because you all have known me for years, and still have no understanding of God and why my life is my life. I’ve been tired of speaking and writing for a very long time because people cannot understand the messenger’s message, because there is no one who believes God; there is no one who wants to believe God.

As you all know, I have a religious past. I was the type who was arrogantly and boisterously religious, if you can remember. What this means is that I put my concern for my god and my beliefs above those things which should have been more important, especially above compassion, and true justice, and my humanity. When religious people put their beliefs above their own humanity and above loving-kindness, what this produces is a world such as ours. This is a world without abounding mercy; a world where kindness is overruled by faith in idols; a world where people do not believe what they see God doing (and what they see God not doing).

I remember back in 1994 or 1995 when I was a 15 years old, I was in church with my mother, my grandmother and some of my grandmother’s sisters, where we had a special visit from a guy known as prophet Todd Hall. So let me tell you something about religious prophets - they only give religious prophecies. They are babblers of nothing, often telling you things you want to hear or telling you things they want you to hear. Since I was religious, and used to seeing nothing spectacular from my lord and savior (as is all too common in religion), a prophet speaking was a real treat. Finally, my god was doing something for me to see (sure, I could always thank him for waking me up another day, but I knew that wouldn’t last forever). So Todd Hall was preaching and gave a prophecy on the lines of “The lord told me that in the year 2000, all of the homosexuals in the world are going to be burned alive in fire. God is going to burn them up”. This was very bold of him, a religious man. I say this was bold because religion has a strange and powerful tactic of promising nothing in life. By promising nothing in life, religion has had a low failure rate over these last few millennia. While people hold on to a thousand beliefs concerning good and evil, they are consistently motivated to never pay attention to what they see God doing, and only believe in what they never see. But Todd Hall made religion promise something in life! This was bold of him!

Now, as you all remember, on January 1, 2000, at 12:01 A.M., every fag on Earth was doused in gasoline from heaven and set on fire. Since the lord is all-knowing, all the five-year-old soon to be fags were among the piles of fag ashes as well. The lord finally did something notably divine by leaving a world without homosexuals, a world full of Christianity and heterosexuality (since a heterosexual Christian prophet prophesied the obliteration of queers, and it came to pass). As for wars, violence, rapes, murders, oppression of the poor and helpless, it all still exists, but in a straight and Christian world. The lord finally kept his word, religion finally made a promise and kept it.

At 15 years old, that’s what I figured would happen anyway. So I became a frightened child. Todd Hall frightened me and the church cheered and thanked the lord for such a prophecy. I was so scared that I had vowed to give up my humanity for the sake of my faith. So it was then that I decided to repent for my sin of enjoying the male anatomy, and I prayed to my god for help. My prayer was 2-fold, since a 2-fold prayer was required in this case. I first prayed that the lord would remove from me my attraction toward men; I then prayed that I would become attracted to women and titties and such. This 2-fold prayer is required if a gay person wants to become straight and satisfy the lord’s desires and commands. You see, if the lord simply removed the demon of male attraction from me, I would become asexual (attracted to neither sex); and if the lord simply added to me the attraction of tits and vagina, I would become bisexual (which I knew the lord hated). So the 2-fold prayer was required.

As a result of my faith and belief in the word of the lord and the holy Todd Hall, I became this religious, hypocritical, provocative, and arrogant un-fag that was emotionally distraught. The rest of my childhood was ruined because of a deep and unjustifiable emotional desire to appease the god of my beliefs. I was not taught to love and care for my fellow teenagers, build true friendships and relationships with them, and do right by them, but was taught to have faith in the lord first, and do what the lord wants first (which is the same as doing what you believe god wants). As religion teaches, it was required of me to be nice to my fellow teenagers, but as yall may remember, I did my share of horrible shit and was an arrogant ass... But the years went on.

I worked at Six Flags in Largo from the years 1995 to 2000, which was when I met most of yall. Of all the nights we were at that park, I remember one summer night all too well.  In 1999 (I was 19 years old at the time), I was leaving out from a long day of work (walking toward Post 2), and for whatever reason, I looked up at the stars. There was this odd looking star in the sky that caught my eye as it stood out from the rest, but I just kept walking. While I was walking, and still glancing at that strange looking star, the star shot off in a circular pattern and flew out into space at an incredible speed. I stopped walking and dropped my mouth in complete awe. I looked around to see if anyone else saw that mouth-dropping spectacle, but it didn’t appear that anyone did.  That event really screwed up my mind. You see, I was devoutly religious, struggling to enjoy the sight of tits, and now, UFOs were flying over my head.

The years continued, and I learned more and more about my faith in the lord – so much more, that I began changing my views on certain things. I began reading on other Christian beliefs, disregarding most of it, but accepting a few things as truth.  It was during this time that strange things began happening with me. I would sometimes see things the minute before it happened – it was quite weird, but it kept my faith intact.  I remember one time in particular, sometime between the year 2000 and 2001, I was on my way to work riding the orange line. I was between the Potomac Ave and Eastern Market metro stations and I had this strong vision of the train stopping and everyone on board getting off at the same time when they shouldn’t have. So the train pulled up to the Eastern Market station and the operator opened the doors. A few minutes rolled by and we were still sitting there with the doors open. Eventually the train operator spoke and said, “Due to a malfunction with the train doors, everyone needs to exit the train”. So I got off the train in amazement, as did everyone else. This event made me love my lord even more, because I was given the mercy of seeing things right before they happened. This type of thing happened again and again over the next few years.

But even with that seeing the immediate future jazz, the truth kept poking me in the side, contradictory biblical information kept slapping me in the face, and that spacecraft I saw kept hacking away at my mind.  As time went on, I continued to learn more and more about my beliefs. I eventually left my grandmother’s church in favor of a Christian Oneness Apostolic church. But I still needed to know more – so my stay at that church was short lived. I decided then to not listen to any other Christian tell me about my god, and I decided to read the bible from cover to cover and come to my own conclusions. Needless to say, I was no longer Christian after that, and identified myself as Jewish, which 1 or 2 of you may remember. I still had those strange visions from time to time, and they still kept me focused on my faith (or what was left of it).  I don’t remember all the details since I’m talking about events over a decade ago, but I found too many contradictions in the Bible, even in the Old Testament. So my time as being Jewish was even briefer than my time as a Oneness Apostolic Christian.

In 2002 or 2003, I remember that I came across a web site (awitness.org) where the author listed a load of biblical contradictory accounts and spoke about UFOs. His message was strange to me, but he seemed like a decent guy, so I wrote him. I was trying to hold on to something to believe in. We exchanged emails back and forth, but I was still this emotionally distraught young adult – and I said something very offensive and insulting to him (I don’t remember what I said, but I only heard from him very rarely over the next few years). However, because of the contradictions posted on that web site, I decided to believe in nothing at all. I said to myself, “If there is something that god or gods want me to know, I’ll only believe him or her or them.”  Because I once believed in so much and now believed in so little, I became this scared child again. I used to believe that my lord would keep me safe and heal me from any disease, but now, I had no protection, no guardian. I was an orphan, even though I was in my early 20’s – this is how I felt. Now, even though I was frightened because I was free from the lord and free from being forced to enjoy the female anatomy, that heavy burden of hating myself because I was gay was lifted.  So I became exhausted and irritated of hearing people speak about the idols of this planet (which I once held to with all my heart).

Now I fast forward to December 2005, when my whole world changed. I remember reading something on the internet in the gospel of Thomas that went on the lines of “an old man will ask a 7-day old child about life, and he will live”. It made complete sense to me. What this meant to me was that I should seek truth from the source of truth – it made complete sense. I simply said to myself, “Give it a try.” So I emptied myself of any beliefs and thoughts of God, and sacrifice, and an afterlife, and any other religious thing. It was at that moment that I wanted to believe God. So I said, “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know how many of you there are, or what you want or what you do. But I want to know who you are. I want to hear the truth from you or you all. I will not listen to anyone else concerning you.” I don’t know if it was that night or the next, but I began having these revealing dreams and there were these strange occurrences of good happenstances (things kept turning out for the best).  But I didn’t think too much of the good-luck, however the dreams were important to me, because they helped me know about God. It was because of a dream that I began calling God ‘Yahweh’. It was one day in particular where I looked up and said to God, “I appreciate these dreams, but they are not enough for me with regards to knowing the truth”. I suppose it was May or June 2006 that these well-lit spacecrafts began flying over my head at night. Every night for months (except when it was cloudy), those luminous spacecrafts flew. By the time 2007 rolled around, when I believed God a lot more, the people flying those spacecrafts began visually giving me messages, and acted as messengers (which is why I call them “messengers” to this very day – as most of you know).  Over the years, they have graced my eyes (and some of yours as well while you were with me) hundreds upon hundreds of times in the night sky; and the strange occurrences of good happenstances have never stopped (as you have seen over and over with me).