Tweets - June 7th - Jesus killed Moses

Not long after the universe was created, when Jesus came down from heaven and gave the law to Moses, he said to Moses, "This book is my holy word. The words herein are worth more to me than your life. Its pages are more valuable to me than a billion human lives. If you break the laws written in this book, I will give your spirit nerve endings and burn you forever and ever and ever - it will be your own fault and not mine, your creator. But if you interpret these words perfectly and only in the way I expect you to interpret them, perform every law - except those I arbitrarily annul, and love me because I command you to do so, and beg me for forgiveness when you don't - then I will remove your dick and strip away most of which makes you human and allow you to live eternally in peace after you drop dead."

Moses looked at Jesus and said, "Ummm... OK. I guess I have no real choice or say in any case."

Jesus said to Moses, "I love you very much, and I want you to have a personal relationship with me. Though all of my decisions will be mysterious to you, you must figure out how to get close with me. Though you can never know more about me than what is written in my holy word, I need you to know me on a deep intimate level. If I don't know you intimately, then you will have hot coal shoved up your ass forever, and it will be entirely your fault."

Moses said to Jesus, "If you do love us, why do you bind us to this law? Why can't we have the same liberty as all other living things?"

Jesus said to Moses, "I did not make man for the law, but the law for man."

Moses said to Jesus, "But that isn't true."

Jesus shouted, "EXCUSE ME!!!"

Moses said, "Your holy law condemns people to death for picking grapes on the sabbath. And it commands us to stone disobedient children to death and to kill people who are intimate with the same sex. Does this not mean that we are made for the law? The law does not bend for us lest it not be perfect; therefore, we must bend for it. So, you are excused - unless your law is not perfect."

Jesus's eyes turned deep red in anger and veins began forming on his golden forehead.

Moses said to Jesus, "Your holy law says that we must love our neighbors as ourselves, but how is this possible if we cannot value ourselves more than a book? What love can I possibly offer my neighbor if my own life is worth less than the paper your holy words are written on? Can I toss your book into the fire without you getting pissed? You said that we are more valuable than the lilies of the field. Does this only apply to those lilies whose leaf fibers are not made into scripture?"

Moses said, "When we value the word of law and scripture more than we value human lives, then you - all-knowing Lord - should expect all manner of vile judgment to come from our lips and violent condemnation from our fists and weapons. Our own mothers will be turned into authors of their children's shame because of such harmful convictions."

Moses said, "Love is deed. Loving others as you love yourself is a steep and honest expectation. But this is a pointless endeavor if we must value the life of a trans person, a gay person, a sabbath breaker, a black person, a white person, a Hebrew, a Greek, or a slave as having less worth than that of your book."

Jesus killed Moses and left his body to rot on the field. Moses never entered the promise land and he burns in hell to this very day. Jesus gave his holy word to Joshua as he warred his way into Canaan at Jesus's command.