Tweets - June 3rd - Titties

There was a consistent message from heaven tonight, "You cannot be driven by both faith and terror."

I am a child terrorized. I was always so terrified of tomorrow. My terror from peers was never physical, it was always emotional - and I had no one to help, no community, not a single soul who would save me from my perpetual despair.

I didn't keep my tears to myself, but both my parents were terrorized as children with physically violent terror. What is emotional terror when compared to physical brutality? Suck it up, toughen up - punch a n*gga in the face if you have to.

When I was 9 years old, I sprouted my first gray hairs on my head; by the time I graduated high school, my head was sprinkled all over with gray hair.

When I was in middle school, I developed stomach pains.  What a relief!! Hospital visits kept me far away from school and away from my cruel peers.

Drinking weird tasting liquids for x-rays of my stomach and small intestines? I'll take it! Scary enema at 12 years old that turned my poop white for a few days? Sign me up!! Anything to keep me away from those people. Scared the hell out of my mother in the process.

The doctor prescribed me some pills to help with the stomach pains; found out out years later by my mother that they were placebo pills - just sugar. He knew what was up, I wonder if he recommended therapy (not that I received any).

The awful part about being a terrorized child is that they sometimes get in bed with terrorists, even as adults - just so that they stop being terrorized by those terrorists.

Now, I never became a full-on terrorist myself, I'm way too much of a weak sissy to do that, but it didn't stop me from befriending them, inviting them over, and making light of their cruel behavior.

I was called "fat", "gay", and "ugly" on repeat. Nothing worse than being a little fat boy at the pool, you find out that you have titties.

Didn't know I made little girls jealous. Was it a complement when she said my tits were bigger than hers? Was it gay when he said, "I would squeeze them, but you not a girl"?

I still feel that old terror when I take my shirt off in public. I'm considering doing it more often, I hear it may help psychologically.

I have been Kelvin in a box all this time, a box that I did not create - and not Kelvin free, though I have been set free. So the consistent message tonight was, "walk by faith, not by terror". I can do that, even though I'm sure some days it's gonna suck something terrible.

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Update, June 20, 2022:

I absolutely created this box. I created the box and the shame (whose dependent and opposite is pompousness and boasting).

No, I did not create the untreated wounds from the emotional violence; but the walls, and the defense, and the shame which forced my body to produce gray hair so young and then dermatitis - that was me (not that I had any idea how to appropriately handle these things, and be gentle and kind to myself).

So much of our cultures and our traditions are formed and sculpted by shame. There is no healing and certainly no liberty without justice; shame is injustice.